The Journey we call Faith











{December 11, 2008}   I caught the tWiLiGhT bug…

 I caught the Twilight bug. It was totally unintentional and I wasn’t even interested in the young adult books. In fact, it took the proding of my husband to even get me to be interested in seeing the movie or reading the books. Just didn’t look like my kind of reading – apologetic, non-fictional, historical, or other Christian study books. Just not me. I don’t read fiction anymore, too mindless and boring. Yuh-huh… I was very wrong.

We went and saw the movie at the end of November, and I was vaguely interested in reading the book. The movie seemed to hiccup and I wondered if there was more to it. So I picked up the first book at Wal-Mart for $7. It looked like it had been cut wrong and was probably discounted because of it’s weird shape and crooked pages. I didn’t care. I finished it in less than two days. Reading at every stop light, on every break at work, staying up late at night. I love to read but I haven’t read like this since I was in college or maybe even highschool. There just hasn’t been enough time or anything that has held my interest. I finished the whole series in less than a week. Even read the partial of Midnight Sun on Meyer’s official website.

After I devoured the book, as I pondered the whole hype involved with the fans, I wondered since this book was being deemed the next Harry Potter, if conservative Evangelical Christians would react the same as they had to HP. Meyer is also a devout Mormon, and I wondered how much this would play into the equation.

Both Joseph Smith, Jr. and Brigham Young taught that we (LDS) are to seek Truth, wherever it may come from. A lot of non-LDS Christians, and even some LDS, have wrongly interpreted this to mean that we (LDS) are to go gallivant with the Devil and other things ungodly, totally unhindered because we are “seeking” Truth. While I write this, I think of a particular poster on the MAD boards who practices witchcraft/magic and is a temple holding LDS. This is between him and God, although the LDS church is very clear on it’s teachings that members should have nothing to do with the Devil or his tools, trappings, etc on this Earth (think Tarrot cards or palm readings). Many conservatives are discussing how if Meyer was a Biblical Christian she wouldn’t be writing something like this – glorifying vampires (because you know, they’re soooo real and as such we just cannot glorify those evil demons… :P ). Whatever happened to interesting fiction with parental supervision? If one has a stumbling block of demons, the occult, etc. then use your own best judgement and don’t read it.

Andrew C. Skinner and Robert L. Millet, C. S. Lewis, the Man and His Message: An LDS Perspective , p.6

 At the same time, we are eager to find truth wherever we can and excited to acknowledge it from whomever it flows. Joseph Smith stated: “One of the grand fundamental principles of `Mormonism’ is to receive truth, let it come from whence it may.”    
 As Latter-day Saints we are in an interesting and somewhat awkward position in the Christian world. We claim divine apostolic authority and claim to be possessors of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. At the same time, we fully acknowledge that God is working His will through men and women throughout the earth, and that “every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God”  (Moro. 7:16).  President  Ezra  Taft Benson explained that our Heavenly Father uses the people of the earth, especially good people, to accomplish His purposes. “It has been true in the past, it is true today, it will be true in the future.”    

What I love about this is that the LDS church does acknowledge how God uses those outside of the Church. This is the correct understanding of seeking Truth, “let it come from whence it may” and other simiular teachings. I also take this, for me personally, that we are to understand that just as the Bible states that the rocks cry out in testimony to Him, so do those apart from the Church. Personally, I take no issue with that. Regardless if they are “Christian” or not, they can still have partial Truth, just not whole Truth.

In the last few weeks, I have been thinking long and hard about returning to the LDS church. There are few reasons as to why I do not, the most basic being family and time. Currently, I am filling a shift on Sunday and so it leaves me without time to attend my ward’s block meeting. Second, my husband doesn’t want to return to the LDS church and he doesn’t want to worship seperatly. Although I am sure we could negotiate if my schedule allowed it.

As I’ve pondered this return, I’ve considered what family, friends, and those who attend Grace Point with me would think or say. My stomache churns as I think of having to wear my apologetic hat for awhile to explain to everyone why I left Grace Point and returned to the LDS church. It makes me tired, cranky, and depressed.

Then I began to read blogs that attacked Twilight based solely on Meyer being LDS and the bloggers claiming that the Twiligh saga was simply an indoctrination of Mormon doctrines. Huh? As I read their point by point outlines on why they believe this, my mind is blown away, my jaw becomes rigid, and my temper burns. I read the lines about the LDS church’s “rigid teachings on abstience” and I want to punch a hole in the wall. When the hell did waiting become a bad thing? If people don’t live by their beliefs, being inmoveable, then why do they have those beliefs in the first place? Live according to belief, that isn’t a bad thing and certainly not warrented to be considered “rigid”. It would probably do more non-LDS churches good to be more “rigid” regarding abstience. I’m not saying this works for everyone, but c’mon, have a standard and stick to it. Atleast the Church is pretty up front about their standards.

As my anger calmed down, I realized how cold I grown to apologetics. It really simply annoys me now. And I realize that that is unhealthy. For months now, I’ve wanted to try to line up my Mormon beliefs with Protestant ones. Finally, I realized, WHY? Why do I care if anyone from Grace Point thinks I’m out of my mind for returning to the LDS church? Why do I care if my beliefs line up with Protestant ones? I’m past the point of considering myself a Protestant anymore and wholly identify as a Latter Day Saint. So, who gives a flip if a Protestant disagrees with me? I recently read a fantastic blog on being a “Christian”. It was written by a Latter Day Saint and bluntly outlined that sure, Protestants, Catholics, and others disagreed that Mormons were Christians, but really, who cares? It’s not like they can take away our Christianity. Why let it get to us so? Why allow Satan to use this as a point of contention? Paul only councilled to be ready with an answer for what we believe, not that we are to go on the offense or forever be defensive about our beliefs.

This is where Satan comes into play. Yet another move into apostasy. Taking what is good, right, and Biblical, and twisting it into something divise and ungodly. Attack, attack, attack. I’m sick of it all. Sure, there are plenty of people who believe what critics of the LDS church write, otherwise, those authors wouldn’t sell books and those readers would be LDS. But I don’t. And in the end, I am only responsible for my own personal relationship with God. We are to work out our own “salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philipians 2:12) Not everyone else’s.

I think at this point, I lean more towards Calvinism and of course, take comfort in the Spirit Kingdom where people can still accept Christ and live eternity with Him.

So people don’t believe the LDS church is the only True Church? That’s fine. God can still work through them, with them, and walk with them. I know that now without being threatened that I’m in a false church. I am grateful for this journey through the Protestant world, and don’t see myself withdrawing from it as it’s been a vitual part of my growth and understanding. I am happy serving when asked in Grace Point and am at peace with knowing I don’t agree with most of the teachings there, but can still take much from them through the Spirit.

maggielselah @ 9:20 pm [filed under Religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints tagged , , , , , , 2 Comments »


{September 18, 2008}   Truth is Still Truth

I have so many things I want to blog about. I took Maya out for an early morning run the other morning and for once, tuned my mp3 player into the radio instead of listening to a downloaded podcast or music. I was listening to the middle half of Chuck Swindoll’s series, Practical Christian Living. I really could not tell you what the whole particular sermon was supposed to be about – but I will tell you about the message I took from it. At one point, he began talking about unity within the church. Something I have been feeling really convicted of. Really early on, I am going to paraphrase my Pastor when I say this (as I do not remember exaclty how he stated it) he said to me – that Truth is Truth regardless if I still feel like it is Truth. (I do not recall correctly if he meant me in particular OR if he meant in general – but I took this teaching for personal growth, so for this blog – let’s say that this was directed in general but applied personally.)

This is a great teaching which I have consistently tried to remember. Even through my current ups and downs and frustrations with the Protestant movement (I’m sure you cannot tell it from my blogs) and have even often reflected about later. Chuck Swindoll began talking about unity within the church and how when he became a pastor, he often felt compelled to correct people who did not see things the way he saw things – but later, he grew out of this. I am trying my best to recall the exact wording of Mr. Swindoll so as not to misquote him – so instead I am going to simply share with you what I took from him at this point. So simply, instead of correcting others as to where we disagree (and he did share that he would have previously viewed this are heretical and was met with laughs) – to simply think of some things as personal, individual experiences we have had with God and cherish those. And allow others to have their personal, individual experiences with God and cherish those as well (for this blog – please let me clarify that I am not making any assumptions by what Mr. Swindoll means or thinks of when he says “heretical” or who he thinks of when he says “unity of the body”. I am not making inclusions or exclusions FOR Mr. Swindoll. I am only personally responsible for making for those my own daily walk). And be united as a body. I took this – as a specific encouragement on a one on one level. Which is my responsibility that I feel I have utterly failed at.

I promise to return to this. But allow me to illustrate with a living breathing example. A few days ago, a man came into the store with his little nina – wanting to purchase a gallon of milk. He was short by $2. I don’t know why I did it – but I pulled out a $5 bill and paid for it for him. He stuffed the $3 into my hand. And pretty much wrote off those two dollars – never to see them again.

Today, at the end of my shift as I awaited my relief, a young man came in and paid $20 on his pump and then put $2 in my hand. I looked at him, confused. Huh? “Do you remember me? You gave me two dollars for milk for my daughter. Here it is. Thank you.” Whoa, really? He came back? And brought the money? Wow. I was so touched. At the end of a pretty stressful, rotten day when I have a co-worker who just rides me all day long, this was so touching I just wanted to cry a little. Really? I couldn’t take it and put it on his pump after he left the store. As I drove home – I realized I had so generalized people as scammers and bad people who were always looking to short the till and the store, that when someone brought back the money, I just didn’t know what to do.

I felt (I hate using this word) that the Lord was showing me, just as I have over-generalized my customers, I had also done this with Christians in general. I felt like all Protestants hated Mormons, all Mormons were perfect innocent victims (all anyone need do is visit MAD boards or read a few select LDS apologetic books, ahem DHP, to know that isn’t true…), and so on. I realized that when comments that I was overly critical of Protestants came to me – that they feel on deaf ears. Sure, I’m critical of Mormons, etc also – but not half as much as I am of other faith based religions as I am on Protestants. And I honestly wonder, why I am so harsh with Protestants. I really wonder if it is because all the (ehhh) fundie weirdos came from Protestant lines OR if it’s because the bad experiences I’ve personally had come from Protestant Christians? I wonder if this has tainted my vision and if I have disallowed myself to allow others to have various, individual experiences with the Lord. I want to move to unity within the body – but then am critical of how others do things. It is very contradicting. I need to further pursue this in prayer and study and find where the Lord wants me and not be so emotionally driven.

Truth is still Truth regardless of feelings – however, what is Truth? That Jesus is Lord and Savior. This has always been my foundation and something I’ve always clung to. But the rest, it swirls around me giving me headaches. It’s not really something I want to confront right now. So, I’m throwing myself into some dog behavior studies (so sue me – I’m not the first person to practice avoidance) and reading the Bible. Currently, I am in Samuel and reading about King David. Is that ever eye opening. I hope to blog about this once I have finished.

I also hope to abstain from criticism in the coming weeks. I feel very moved to this challenge and “cough it up” for the Lord.

That’s all for now. I’ll leave you with an amazing shot (for me anyways) of Maya that I worked very hard to get.

maggielselah @ 9:26 pm [filed under Religion tagged , , , , , , 1 Comment »


{September 15, 2008}   “What is God doing in your life?”


The vicious pit bull and her kiddos

The vicious pit bull and her kiddos

I was having my daily debrief with my best friend and we were discussing my blog. I shared a recent comment that a fellow ex-Mormon left for me about loosing sight of why I left the LDS church in the first place. She shared with me that my blog used to be about what God was doing in my life, how He was shaping and changing me, and now it was more about the things going on in my life.

She might very well understand why I have been more and more hesitant to blog about religion lately (unless pissed off as of recent), what God is specifically doing, what I feel moved in, etc etc – but others might not because they are not my daily confidants like she is. So I thought, without going to an uncomfortable place – I would share what God has been doing in my life as of late.

God has been providing for us. I was totally fed up with being overweight and unhealthy – and then we went and Steve picked out a dog (yes Steve) that was high energy that needed to be run, not walked twice a day. Guess who got stuck with that responsibility? Me. That was such a blessing. It gave me time with God every morning and evening. Three months later – I am 30 lbs less. I am healthier (even though I’m sick right now). And I’ve been able to work through a fear of large breed dogs that I’ve carried around for years. God provided.

I was ready to go back to work, but with one car and the economy what it is – it looked like I’d be stuck working one day a week at my parents’ store forever. Then, we were given a minivan (wow) totally and completly free the weekend before I started working full time – 40 hours – at their store. I get to work early enough that I come home early afternoons and have the entire afternoon and evenings with the kids. It’s awesome. God provided.

I am entering a period in my life when I am fed up with all talk and study of religion (a rare for me considering how much I LOVE it). But just honestly want and need to distance myself and focus less on doctrine and more on just one on one time with God. I frankly and honestly do not give a rat’s behind on if the Godhead or Trinity are correct. I do not give a rat’s behind if it’s right to be monotheistic or polytheistic. Want to know where I am with God? I’m not into semantics which is where I think so many religions are. If Jesus lead by spirit and heart of the Law and not by letter of the Law, what the heck are we doing? If the spirit behind His teachings are to follow Him and not be wishy washy or to deny Him in front of others – then I think we are taking the letter of the Law and not the Spirit of the teaching when we condemn others for not reading into the Bible what we are reading into the Bible. I am reaching a place of longing for unity and peace within the Christian body – meaning all Christians – all who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior. Does that mean He will look the same to all Christians? No. And that’s okay by me because I am not their Lord and Savior. And I am okay with this.

I am conservative in my own understanding of the scriptures but liberal in my application because in the end, I am no one’s White Throne Judge. My friend reminds me that the Catholic church may say who is in heaven – but they never say who is in hell. Many Protestants could take a lesson in this wisdom.

What is God doing in my life? He is leading me to an intense desire for unity and not dissention which is why my dealbreakers are what they are. He is leading me to a place of longing for peace – peace that I felt in the extreme as a Latter Day Saint and He is leading me to a place of not wanting labels (polytheism, monotheism, Godhead, Trinity, etc etc) but just initimacy with Him and His presence. All else falls away and nothing else matters. He provides because His grace is endless and I am forever grateful.

Much like Maya learns the command, “leave it” – I too must learn humilty and to simply leave those things that are not unifying.

Leave it.

"Leave it."

maggielselah @ 7:38 pm [filed under Religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, pit bull tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »


{July 1, 2008}   People Training with Maya

I had forgotten how much I really love being a dog owner – dogs in general. I’m now behaving like my toddlers to my husband, “Can we adopt another pittie, please oh please oh please oh please…” I am in love with Pitt Bulls now. Totally and completely. There are times when I wish we had at least a second smaller dog, perhaps a lap dog, but I love Maya so much, that I just want another Pittie for her to play with and for us to love on.

Admittedly, Cesar’s techniques are not for the un-committed and they are VERY hard work, but so amazingly fulfilling. I cannot tell you how much I just want to break down and cry (out of happiness) when I see how fulfilled Maya is (and submissive) after we follow through with a Cesar technique. It’s amazing! We recently started her on this treadmill we picked up from Craigslist. I admit, I secretly was skeptical that we would be able to get her on this treadmill and was regretting the purchase from almost the time we picked it up. BUT I pushed those thoughts aside, and just as I’ve been diligently walking her every day and night, I began training her on the treadmill. Below are her second and third sessions on the treadmill. The third session (second video) is totally without a leash!

Photo Sharing – Video Sharing – Photo Printing – Photo Books

Photo Sharing – Video Sharing – Photo Printing – Photo Books

I am so proud of my girl. We are now walking three miles a night (yeppie!) or jogging three blocks and spending 2 hours at the dog park with a jog afterwards. On a personal note, I finally have found a way to ordered my much needed Topamax and hopefully combined with my now very active lifestyle, I will achieve pre-Paul pregnancy weight. Here’s a hoping. :)

During our three mile walks, we have had some really great training opportunities. For starters, there are a lot of breaks in the sidewalks for roads into communities, washes, and parking lots. Even though there are a TON I’ve been able to take this chance to train Maya to sit at each of these breaks. More and more she is sitting before I even ask her. She is becoming very submissive to me now – today I was able to stand outside with the door all the way open without her running out but rather sitting calmly at the door inside waiting to be invited out.

At the dog park, I am learning that Maya is in reality a very SMALL dog. Whew! There are two Great Danes there (I had NO idea they were THAT big), a Great Dane/Mastiff mix, some HUGE German Shepherds, and even Siberian Huskies (which have always been a book favorite of mine BUT not a real life favorite as I am terrified of them). There are a few American Pitt Bulls (and mixes) as well as Boxers and I just love them all. Maya gets a chance to run run run – which she loves and to mingle with other dogs.

I do feel a little bad for my husband though – while I’ve focused in so intensely on Maya’s training during this highly important time (ie her first months with us), he’s handled the kids while I bike, run, jog, and swim with Maya. Maya seems to have boundless energy – however as we’ve been consistent with her exercise, we’ve been seeing her (finally) show that we are tiring her. I think it was all the pent up energy from the various shelters (absolutely not their fault – thank God these shelters even exist) but that we are finally breaking through it all.

As I’ve scanned through Craigslist to find a suitable pittie companion for Maya, I’ve been reading heartbreaking stories of abuse, neglect, or families being moved or relocated and not being able to bring their pets. It’s so sad. I wish I could adopt them all. Poor things.

I finished Cesar’s Way which I think is just the best book ever (along with Be the Pack Leader). The downside is that I am trying really hard to 1) not give people un-wanted advice about dogs now and 2) not be judgmental when people make statements like, “My dog doesn’t need exercise,” or “We just let him in the backyard and he’s fine.” I literally cringe when I hear statements like these now. I recently watched a dog training DVD (not be Cesar Millan) that was based on reward only incentives. I gagged. Really? Not to humanize my dog, but balancing a dog is very similar to discipling children. I’m not opposed to positive reinforcement (I believe it’s very powerful) but I am entirely opposed to ONLY positive reinforcement. Make sense? So this DVD was very hard to watch. For example, it talked about dog proofing the house – which to an extent I agree with. Just as I would cover or protect the electric outlets from Paul and Anya, I would also teach them to NOT touch those outlets. I also believe in house proofing one’s own children as well as child proofing to keep them safe. Balance.

On the a short religious note, I am enjoying the break from thinking about all these things and just enjoying Grace Point. Even if I don’t always theologically agree with Protestant stance on things, I really do enjoy it there. Of course, right now I don’t always theologically agree with the LDS church on things either – perhaps I’d be better as an agnostic. Not a bad idea. ;) All joking aside, Steve and I have been considering attending two LDS services a month and then two GP services a month. What an amazing husband I have – who certainly does not want to attend LDS services whatsoever, but is willing to do so to worship side by side with me. How amazing.

I’ve just requested Bart Ehrman’s books on historical Christianity. Quite the interesting fellow – admittedly one of the best New Testament scholars out there, but now an agnostic. I actually have three of his books in print – Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why, Lost Christianities: The Battle for Scripture and Faiths we never knew, and Lost Scriptures: Books that did not make it into the New Testament. But I’d also love to read some balanced reading on dog behavior and physiology and people training. ;) I’m also open for e-books on biking, skating, or running. So please leave your suggestions in the comments! Finally, I was recommended the book, “Eternal God: A Study of God without Time” by Paul Helm, anyone know if this comes on e-book? I just am not sitting down enough to read but am certainly on the move enough to listen to whole books.

Thanks everyone! :)

maggielselah @ 3:12 pm [filed under The Dog Whisperer tagged , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment »


{June 24, 2008}   The Brain Drain

Our family has become water babies lately. We’ve been in the pool for four days straight! We went in on Friday afternoon, not really expecting Maya to join us but hoping she would learn to love the water. Now four days later, she is rarely getting out of the water and jumping in to go grab her toys. She’s become a swimming fanatic! Which is great because she burns so much energy that way. Then we meet her friends at the park and then jog home and she’s POOPED! Which is great. I’ve finished Be the Pack Leader and am now listening to Cesar’s Way – he exercises his pack for about 5-6 hours a day! Whew! So I’ve been on Craigslist looking for a treadmill and bike – I don’t dare try roller blades! I found a Raleigh Mountain Bike that is reasonably priced and on my way to work. Hopefully I’ll be picking it up this week. One person we go to church with bikes 30 miles a day! Whew! I’d love to work up to just 5-10 miles a day. I’m completely bike ignorant so it looks like a great bike. So long as it works I am very happy. :)

With all the exercise Maya has been very trainable as well as very energetic at the same time. I don’t know what it is about water but it always brings out this super hyper side of Maya and always did the same for our last dogs – Scout and Conker. What gives?

Maya has been coming along so well lately that I have been able to let her off leash outside of her doggie play groups. Meaning, yesterday when the kids and I walked to the park, I was able to just let her go and when we went for our nightly jog last night I was able to let her go off leash as well. It’s awesome.

The kids were eating lunch yesterday with some meat and cheese and after “claiming my space” as pack leader, amazingly she just laid down.

I was so proud of her! Last night, we even were able to let her sleep with her kennel open. Yay! :) She’s coming along so nicely.

The Illusion collar/leash came yesterday so I was excited to try that bad boy out. It works so well (although is a bit frustrating to put on – but I’m sure I’ll get used to it). We ran across a cat last night and I did some challenge training with her. She sat while I called the cat to me, and petted it. At one point I did have to lay her down, but overall she did very well for her first time.

All this dog training is taking away time and focus from knitting (*cries*) and this whole religion headache. Steve’ oldest brother, Rob, always asks, “Why?” And right now I feel like I am doing the same thing.

During worship on Sunday they sang, “Fields of Grace” by Big Daddy Weave. When we first left the LDS church, this song became a quick favorite because the lyrics really connected with what I was feeling and going through.

There’s a place where religion finally dies

There’s a place where I loose my selfish pride

This two week series is something I’m looking forward to because it really gets into the theology of the Gospel – sin, justification, grace, works. It promises to be very thought provoking. I’m meeting with the missionaries again tomorrow night – so I best be writing up my question list – I’d forgotten a lot of my old questions from before. I sheepishly admit that I am REALLY stuck on this Godhead doctrine. When I spoke to my parents about it my Mamau was like, “I think you tend to get stuck on unimportant things.”

:(

I reminded her that Joseph Smith taught that it was the FIRST principal of the Gospel to understand the nature of God. Which is what I’m trying to do. Which then leads to more questions – what is “worship” inside the LDS church? Referring back to the Fall – why is Eve declared to have “transgressed” but her transgression is looked upon favorably? In the Hebrew it appears that a transgression is much worse than a sin (to err, or miss the mark). I am going to tackle some of the Book of Abraham today, more specifically to read about Abraham and God and of course the issues regarding this particular book. I’ve pulled out some reading from my LDS box and will also be pulling out a Protestant book on theology as well.

I have also decided to ask my Pastor questions as well. He raises good points and issues, but I find myself echoing Steve’s brother – why?

I feel like such a pest.

Thankfully, Steve is looking into renting a cabin in August in Cedar City for a long weekend. I cannot wait. My birthday and our anniversary is just around the corner – yeppie! That’s it for now. Gotta go tackle the pile of laundry that’s been building up.

maggielselah @ 12:30 pm [filed under Religion, The Dog Whisperer tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment »


{June 19, 2008}   The Godhead, Polytheism, and the Spirit

My head is so jumbled right now that I’m not sure if I can even write a coherent blog – but seeing as I have to get up very early tomorrow morning (another 4 am rising) then I had better get this all purged so it won’t keep me up tonight.

Had another meeting with Elder Nelson and Brother Matthews tonight. The other two meetings, even with the consistent interruptions that one sort of expects from two toddlers, went pretty well. Tonight, everything was just all jumbled and chaos which was quite disheartening for me. Not to mention, very embarrassing. As I’ve mentioned over the past week or so, we adopted 2 year old (give or take) Maya who being a Lab/Pit Bull mix is VERY energetic. She’s very sweet and loving, but full of energy and tonight being that we (the family and I) were gone all day, had a ton of it pent up. The kids, being away from home and me all day, were the same. It does not make a good recipe for time spent in the scriptures or discussion. At one point, the comment was made that the Spirit was being disrupted (paraphrasing from my ever absent memory right now) because of Maya. For me, everything was being disrupted by Maya (and the kids as well). But it was quite the reminder how important reverence and atmosphere are in the LDS church for the Spirit.

When I think of time away with God, images come to my mind – quiet away from others, somewhere private, and somewhere calm. Like my bedroom (sans kids and dog of course) or even my closet which I converted into a prayer room after leaving the LDS church. There are pictures from the Gospel in action, a Bible and notebook to make notes, and there used to be a pillow to relax against (until I took it back to my bed). When I shared this moment with Steve, he casually implied that if I had not been with Latter Day Saints having this conversation, that the Spirit would have been just fine. That it’s a preference of Latter Day Saints, and not really a Protestant thing. I thought back to Protestant churches I had visited over the past 18 months (before leaving the LDS church) and the things that I slowly became more “used to” that before, I would have stepped back from. Like “rock music” so to speak in a church meeting. Now I love it and think that it’s a beautiful form of expressing praise to an Almighty God – even though I still prefer hymns and quiet worship, I see the beauty and passion in the modern day Evangelical worship setting. Or having church in a bar (which sadly seems to be at an end). I was so thrilled to hear about GP taking ministry into such an unconventional setting – going to those who probably need the Lord the most.

And so, I began thinking about Steve’s comment and our calm, assertive young pastor (he’s late 30s I believe – so not a “kid” young) – could he have held a discussion of spiritual matters with a 60 lb dog climbing on him and kids either fussing about wanting something or just clamoring for attention? Would the Spirit have been conducive to such an environment? We attended a small group at his home for about 4-6 weeks I believe (maybe longer) and they provided childcare. Kids jumping around upstairs sounding like they were going to bring the roof crashing down. And yet, he remained fully able to direct and lead the conversation. But, how spiritual was it? I honestly couldn’t tell you – I was still very much apologetic of the LDS church and still firmly believed in my own (LDS) beliefs. I was “trying” to let go and listen, but I’m a pretty stubborn person. Is God limited by the environment we are in at the time or is He big enough to work past that?

For me, I lean more towards God being bigger to work past those issues – kids and dogs and all sorts of craziness. However, I certainly believe that special, intimate time with Heavenly Father is achieved when we are able to focus on HIM and not on the crazy surroundings of the moment. I’m not sure how well I would adjust to being “boxed” in so to speak that God speaks only though and in certain moments and environments. I know when I was LDS, I would have baulked at the idea of church being in a bar (Steve did for a LONG time, even after coming to GP), but regardless if I would attend church in a bar (I wouldn’t) I most certainly see the need for reaching those in a bar and certainly believe that God is big enough to reach through all that, and touch someone, bringing them to Him.

Outside of these potholes tonight, the conversation was really great. Even if I did loose my train of thought a few times. :( I really cling to the Protestant (and I suppose Catholic) idea of polytheism but find a lot of freedom in what we discussed tonight regarding polytheism and whether or not it was what Jehovah was actually addressing in the Law. The Godhead makes – for me – logical sense. Of course, I wasn’t raised believing the Trinity – so I’m sure Trinity believers believe the Trinity makes logical sense. As I’ve read along some Trinity discussions on Rav, I find myself really torn on this issue. It could be that I simply don’t want to make a choice – stand by the experience I had a year ago, that I felt confirmed the Trinity to me or deny it and move right back into the LDS church.

Joseph Smith taught that it is the FIRST principal of the Gospel to know God and His nature. Which would then be – Trinity or Godhead? Part of me totally sweeps this all under the rug and refuses to really think about it. I tell myself that really, it doesn’t matter. Because that Gospel, or Good News, isn’t about whether or not Jesus was fully God and fully man (Trinity) or if He was the Son of God – a god Himself worthy of worship but not the Father.

And yet, in both the Protestant churches and in the LDS church – knowing God’s nature is an essential, a first principal, even of the Gospel. Which makes me really turn my mouth down. :P I wonder if I refuse to move on from this doctrine because I want accept the Godhead so that I can be Mormon again OR if I refuse to move on because I don’t want to deny the Trinity because it’s something that while I feel is illogical, is something that I still see as possible. Even if I don’t really want to acknowledge that.

Is my desire to return to the LDS church, simply over ruling my common sense or logical thinking? On the one hand, there are doctrines that while I believe are logical, go against everything as a conservative Evangelical I would hold as fundamental. They go against my personal daily application – such as offending the Spirit and yet, still are logical.

Tonight we discussed the context of when people are without a Prophet – Biblically speaking, they go straight into apostasy. Again, very logical. Biblical example to back it up and all one really needs to do is look around the Mainstream Christian churches to see utter chaos in it all, not unity or one faith. But a lot of heavy opinions and preferences without any authority.

So, I’ve promised to buckle down and write up some questions for our next meeting. Hopefully, in a week away from my house and all the possible distractions. I have some reading in both the Bible and the Book of Mormon that I’m going to get to and then we’ll sit down with some more questions. I’ve also been told that if I’d like to no longer work in GP Kidz then I am free to do so. This is a problem for me – I’d love to go ahead and leave and start attending block meetings BUT I made a commitment and part of me feels, if I were to just leave GP Kidz, there’d be nothing holding me back from being a “True Blue Mormon” again (albeit a weird, very doctrinally liberal one). And I am committed to NOT jumping back in there again. I want time to read – the BoM and the Bible cover and to cover and fully understand what I am committing to.

Which leaves me – totally uncommitted to either organization. And sleepy.

maggielselah @ 2:39 am [filed under Uncategorized tagged , , , , , 3 Comments »


{June 16, 2008}   Loosing Grace

The Prophet Joseph Smith was often asked, “What are the fundamental principles of your religion?”

“The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.”

(“Who is Jesus Christ?”; Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith (2007), 49)

Last Wednesday night, I asked the missionaries and WP, to share with me what they thought was the most important doctrine/idea/teaching that was essential in the LDS church. A few days later, I went and opened up my March edition of the Ensign. It was still in it’s wrapping, not even opened. While reading the article, “Who is Jesus Christ?” I found the above statement by Joseph Smith. And found so much peace in it.

As fed up as I am by the denominations, preferences, and everything else right now – I began to think about how there is a difference between an essential and a preference.

I think back over the last couple of years and have realized two major things:

1. I’ve never known the lasting amazing peace as a Protestant Christian that I knew as a Mormon. The grace I had in my life, the transformation of who I was and who God was refining me to be – it all was so amazing and awesome. It’s a time in my life that I can only describe as filled with peace and grace.

2. The personal relationship I’ve had with God in the last year has greatly increased. Steve and I describe it like going to Costco on a Saturday vs enjoying the full buffet.

I feel like the more I’ve been out of the LDS church, the more grace I have lost, the less peace I’ve had, and the more I know there is something missing.

“And this is the gospel, the glad tidings, which the voice out of the heavens bore record unto us—

“That he came into the world, even Jesus, to be crucified for the world, and to bear the sins of the world, and to sanctify the world, and to cleanse it from all unrighteousness;

“That through him all might be saved whom the Father had put into his power and made by him” (D&C 76:40–42).

The rest of it – all these denominations and everything else that our SIN puts in the way, are just unimportant. They’re man made walls, not God given boundaries.

maggielselah @ 3:03 pm [filed under Uncategorized tagged , , , , , 1 Comment »


{June 16, 2008}   Christian Humilty

In 2006 I began regularly post on the R&P. At the time, I was aware of anti-Mormon trash, but overall really just didn’t care about it. When I began my journey into apologetics, I taped my favorite passage of scripture to my screens and walls around where I used my computers. I wanted to be aware of the impression I gave people as a Christ follower (yes a Mormon) and that I strive always to bring glory to His name, not shame. So when people became really horrible, I would breathe, pray, read my verse, and if needed – walkaway for a bit to meditate on God’s great love for me AND that horrible person whoever it was.

Over the course of the last couple of years, I’ve slowly lost that patience – even though I really want to be patient like that with people, the more I see of people in RELIGION the more disgusted and frustrated I become. I can totally see why there are so many loose canon Christians or people who don’t even want to come to church of any kind, out there.

What was entirely unexpected was that a poster named TerroRista and I became fast and close friends. We would talk for hours at times about Jesus, God, the Bible, and daily application. What surprised her was that I genuinely loved my Savior. I learned later that this really surprised a lot of Christians who had generally false ideas about Mormonism and the Mormon people. They realized the Gospel – the good news of a Savior and redemption, was something that I not only understood and but something I had totally engraved into my heart. Something that was just as precious to me, a Mormon, as it was to them, Mainstream Christians.

When I left the LDS church, I was in a whole lot of confusion – why on Earth would God pull me out of the Church I loved so dearly? Why to a church that was so foreign and loud and irreverent in worship and praise and in everything? Why a Trinity believing church? Why Evangelicals of all the groups? Why? Why? Why?

My journey both makes me appreciate what I’ve learned from personal experience – the kindness and loving nature of Protestant Christians in such an extremly different environment than what I would have found acceptable for me. And shortly before I “came out” so to speak about my desire to rejoin the LDS church, my friend TerroRista came out that she was returning to Catholicism. Which, is another heated apologetic debate – is Catholicism a Christian church and are Catholics Christians? I love Barbie to death, but I’ll be the first admit that I’m not comfortable with everything, but for me – unity with her and with a sister in Christ, is more important to ME than being in any way a voice of any kind of dissent to her. I see things that I disagree with as preferences and unimportant in the great scheme of things. Salvation issues have not changed for her, but rich traditions of church fathers have.

What I’ve loved about her journey (and mine) is that we’ve both been very humbled. Save for my Sunday night small group, my outlook on Mainstream Christians was just appalling. I just couldn’t stomach the doctrine or the sickening pride that it seemed to breed in people. “I’m right, you fail. Have fun in hell.”

With her journey into Catholicism and her rejection from close friends because she’s now the dark they – the light – cannot mingle with, has really brought her a new level of empathy, compassion, respect, and humility for other faiths. This is something she will readily admit, she always struggled a bit with.

This heavily contrasts with the breeding of Mainstream Christian apologetists. Which in turn breeds so much frustration in me as someone who isn’t concerned anymore with Mormon, Christian, Catholic – just someone who loves Christ and wants to follow Him. Someone who wants to cling to Him during a storm, when everything is going wrong and I just need a good cry. Someone who looks to His example of how I should live as His disciple.

I am SICK of people. I am SICK of apologetists and their semantics. “I told you what the Bible said, deal with it.” Apologists aren’t telling people what the Bible says, it’s telling people what THEY think the Bible says. The Bible didn’t stand up, grab some Starbucks and start chatting with them. I am SICK of churches, I am SICK of the pride that Christianity seems to breed in people. I am just SICK SICK SICK with it all. If I could up and move to the woods and live there and just worship God without any church affiliation, I think I’d be completely fulfilled.

The utter lack of humility in Christianity is driving me insane. Christ was a humble servant who taught by example, who washed the feet of His disciples while they bickered – yet MCs always seem to be bickering about SOMETHING. They can never seem to just agree to disagree.

On the one hand I totally desire to be in fellowship with others who love their Savior and at the same time, I cannot get far enough away. On a recent blog, TerroRista posted some pics of how Catholic leaders and followers look more humble than Protestant ones. I have to say, that for me – the following image is the most humble MODERN day visual of humility and service.

Hopefully this is enough ranting for now. :)

maggielselah @ 1:44 pm [filed under Religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment »


{June 15, 2008}   Wrap Up

This is a very accurate visual of how I feel. Exhausted. This post is a very general wrap up of the past week.

1. Maya is a fantastic dog – but man she has boundless energy and is exhausting.

2. Cesar Millan makes everything look so easy. Wish I was that athletic.

3. I’m becoming overall addicted to walking, jogging, and running. It hurts but it’s a good hurt. I’m still sleepy when I get up at 4:30 am to do it, but that’s okay – it gets my day off right and I can spend time with the Lord during these runs.

4. As I become more addicted to running and jogging – I am becoming more curious and eager to try something else very physical that I can do with Maya. She’s shown shyness and perhaps even fear of the water when we took her swimming, but she’s an excellent swimmer. I’m hoping to get her in the pool more often to overcome her fear so that we can swim laps together soon. I want to try roller blading and biking now. The heat of course, is overall discouraging. Perhaps in the fall or winter.

5. Stetching and yoga CAN make a difference. :)

6. The missionaries dropped off a DVD for me to watch – it’s a special wittness one of Jesus I believe (or perhaps the Restoration). I’m pretty excited to watch it.

7. I finished Alias season five a couple of nights ago, I am beyond depressed about this. Bonus features? Anything? How will I ever live?

8. A poster on Rav mentioned that she doesn’t have TV – I imagine a lot of freedom in not owning a TV even with DVR.

9. I have had some pretty amazing personal revelations (not claiming God given) this past week on my history as a Mormon. For example, during my ex-Mormon transition I realized that I was always annoyed with the MC (Mainstream Christian) Jesus. After a lot of discussion and thought, I realize that my personal feelings or experiences with Mainstream Christians individually were bleeding over into the theology. The Jesus of the MCs no longer represented an atoning sacrifice, but rather a rude, hurtful, aggressive Bible thumping street preacher. I failed, at the time, to see how wrong this generalization was because I was too emotionally involved at the time.

10. During a run this week, I had a quite discomforting time while meditating on the LDS church. I hope that it’s a fleshly thing and not a spiritual thing.

11. Who knew there were right and wrong socks to wear while running?! Thank you to Brother Matthews for giving the much needed information.

12. Over on Ravelry,  actually have a Mormonism 101 thread that I’ve been enjoying being a part of. It really makes me stop and wonder though, of those who are critical of the LDS church and if they are able to turn their critical microscope over onto their own beliefs with the same intensity and scrutiny that they apply to the LDS church. When LDS posters do this in say apologetics, then suddenly LDS are attacking the Bible, Christianity, etc. It strikes me as both disturbing and humorous how uncomfortable people get when one applies that same line of thinking to MCs, history, etc. While I’m not saying that I disbelieve the Trinity or the Godhead (but rather prefer to sit on a neutral fence right now and investigate this more fully), the Trinity certainly has enough (and always really has) holes in it for me to lean away from it.

13. Essential beliefs – are these more assumptions of the Bible or actual Biblical teachings? If they are Biblically sound – that there ARE essential beliefs, then what essentials are there that are spelled out in the Bible?

14. I find myself distancing from Protestantism and drawing closer again to Mormonism. Of course, most of this is out of comfort, but also with the disillusionment I feel within Mainstream Christianity. There is an overall pride to be found in quite a few circles – pride in being RIGHT. In having THE Truth, the ONLY Truth, etc etc. And it’s not something I found myself really appreciating. I’m not saying this is a GP thing but rather just observing and seeing in various Christians of various backgrounds, etc. A lot of the people at GP are the kindest, more humble Christians. Alongside with my small group family (not a GP small group), these people have totally turned my viewpoint around on what a Christian within the Protestant umbrella can actually look like – Christ.

15. My friend Barbie, has been going through what a lot of LDS converts go through – rejection. From her former Protestant friends who cannot support her while she is in the “darkness” for example. People who wouldn’t even go to her wedding or reception because it was in celebration of her Catholic wedding. She’s currently reading the book, “Why would anyone want to be a Mormon?” which she is totally loving (no worries folks, the day she’s LDS – huh I guess that would be the end of time as we know it ;) ). I love having these discussions with her, because I feel like she finally has a connection with me and understanding now, of some things I experienced as a Mormon. Rejection from people based solely on the fact that I was LDS. What Barbie and I are both finding peace in is the humility and desire to serve others that is found when we take out the rejection and the pride and seek to REALLY love others as Jesus did.

16. Worked today at the store. Craziness craziness. People are selfish. They are rude. They are inconsiderate. Today one woman refused to move her car from a pump because she didn’t like how one man waited in line. Are you SERIOUS? We had to call a towing company and she cussed me out. We – employees – know for a FACT that there are customers out there with guns. And yet, people STILL have road rage out in a parking lot. I mean c’mon people – if you go to the cheapest gas station in the entire valley by almost .20/gallon, then expect a wait. Come early so you don’t run late to an appointment or something, bring your knitting or a good book or a crossword puzzle. Bring a snack to munch on while you wait, but for goodness sakes, just have patience. Laying on your horns, screaming at people, and so on is not productive.

17. If you can count your money, you can tell me how much you have. Don’t throw it down on the counter, “Whatever this is on the pump behind number three.”

18. Please answer yes or no questions – we don’t ask because we’re stupid, we ask because we know that it’s required information for YOUR safety on our part. “Are you at the pump?” Because if you’re not, you’re gas WILL be stolen.

19. The pumps are clearly labeled (except the first one) with numbers not once but twice that are as big as your head – please read them. It’s really not that hard.

20. No you cannot pay on the pump when you are five cars behind. If you’re not at the pump, you cannot put money on it.

21. Exhaustion is not the end of being tired.

22. At the end of the day – there is religion which is really no one’s fault except their own, and relationship. Relationship is not defined in the building we attend or the clothes we were or even the specifics of theology that we claim, but our hearts for God. I think religion holds us down and keeps us from really having the ability to really love people because we have this invisible electric fence so to speak. But relationship moves us to be Jesus in our daily lives – to serve in the Church and in our communities, to pray sincerely, to repent and forgive, and to remember the atonement. THAT’s what I am seeking and I am confident that my Heavenly Father will answer.

maggielselah @ 2:57 am [filed under Grace Point, Ravelry, Religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, The Dog Whisperer tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment »


{June 12, 2008}   THE Truth

I mentioned to Brother Matthews and Elder Nelson last night, that I don’t mean to pick on Protestants by comparing LDS beliefs to Protestant ones, but that’s what I’ve been immersed in for the last year – Protestant theology, not Catholic theology or Anglican theology etc etc.

In the last few years online in apologetics, one phrase I always saw daily on forums or in blogs was Protestants discussing “THE Truth”. That the Bible contains “THE Truth”, that the Trinity is THE Truth, that Jesus is THE way, etc etc etc. And I’m not disagreeing with any of that. I think these bold statements that religious groups make really helps set them apart from everyone else in the crowd. Jesus boldly claimed to not only be “a” way to God, but the only way to the Father. So, I am certainly not against using bold statements. The LDS church makes the bold claim that all priesthood authority was taken from the Earth when a global apostacy occurred – that’s pretty bold as well. However, Brother Matthews said something Monday night (which I’ve been meaning to blog about – but having a new dog is like having a new baby!) that really struck me. I like it a lot – will probably be adding it to my Ravelry quotes.

Paraphrasing here, “We are looking for the Truth. Not someone else’s opinion on the Truth, or someone else’s commentary, but just the Truth.”

As a Bible believing Jesus freak Protestant, my initial response was, “Well, aren’t we all?”

However, if you take this and chew on it – are we accepting THE truth or someone’s opinion or commentary on THE truth? A good friend of mine recently left the Protestant movement after 11 years and is now a Catholic. In one of our conversations, she was shared a conversation between herself and a Protestant friend. She was stating that the when Jesus says, “I am the bread” that He is saying that He is the bread. Her protestant friend disagreed saying it was figurative not literal, so she asked, “Okay, but why? Why does it have to be figurative why can’t it be literal?” She further explained that when she researched this verse, all she came back to were commentaries (opinions) that all said the same thing, “Jesus was being figurative. He isn’t really the bread.” But why? What support do they have?

So when looking for the Truth with a capital “T”, how do we find it? If Joseph Smith really was a Prophet, he certainly gave us a more modern day example of how to go about finding it – we seek earnestly after God and ask Him. I’ve always thought the story of the First Vision, however marvelous, was quite a leap of faith on Joseph’s part. But today, to pray about “which church should I join?” is quite normal.

I can recall when we first left the LDS church, as confused as I was at the time as to why God would lead us out of the LDS church, I felt so certain that God had assigned us to this church. And no one thought that we were weird for being lead or guided to a certain church “home”. So, why does it seem to bristle and rub those critical of the LDS church the wrong way that Joseph went and asked the Lord the same question?

He was looking for the Truth, not someone else’s opinion of the Truth. As individuals, seeking after God’s will in our lives – what are we to do? We can most certainly pray and study and then listen. I have really enjoyed Manna church’s series last August on when God is speaking to you. I believe I can safely say, that even if I were LDS right now or then, this series would still greatly impact my life.

Right now – as I seek to understand where exactly God wants me and where exactly I should be vs where I want to be (LDS) I continue to ask myself – what is THE Truth and how do I know 100% for sure that I’ve found it?

In Joshua 9 when the Hivites came in disguise and said they were a far away country wanting to make a treaty we read in v 14, “The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the LORD”. I think this story reminds us – to always check back with the Lord. Commentaries are nice – especially in those pesky Isaiah or Jacob I believe, but in the end, it is up to us to inquire of the Lord whether or not they are accurate or authoritative commentaries or just the understanding of men. Even under the proper authority of a spiritual leader – like a Bishop, Pastor, or Prophet, we should always go back to the Lord. Acquire our own testimony, our own confirmation of what they teach as true.

Something Pastor Hudson says that I always have loved is (paraphrasing), “God is an infinite God and we are finite creatures.” Isaiah says the same thing in 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I certainly believe there are some things I’ll just not know and accept that but firmly believe that God is a personal, knowable God. In my search for the Truth and not an opinion or part of the Truth, I know it is important to return to the scriptures and to my Heavenly Father.

Recently, my Pastor told me that he feels that I’ve never really even left the LDS church – and in a lot of ways, that is absolutely true. It’s my “heart beat”, it’s my spiritual home, it’s where I feel most comfortable. I cannot deny the amazing spiritual experiences I’ve had in my Bishop’s council earlier on, or the absolute overwhelming Holy Spirit in the temple when I took out my living endowments. Yet, I do not want to return to the church because I am comfortable there (as much as I hate writing that) or because I generally overall accept some theology or doctrine. Generally, I believe the doctrine within the LDS church is possible and even logical. Why wouldn’t God have a Prophet on this Earth today? Why can’t families be together forever? Overall (speaking in very general terms) the LDS eternity view and the Protestant ones are not that far removed.

I’m still struggling a little with the idea of the Godhead – which again, i believe is a more overall logical viewpoint of the nature of God, Jesus, and the Spirit vs the very romantic idea of the Trinity. I’ve been told that only one can be right – traditional Christianity or the LDS church, and I totally agree. Both can certainly contain some truth, but which one contains THE truth?

maggielselah @ 8:51 pm [filed under Religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints tagged , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »


« Previous Entries
Next Page »
et cetera